Cold, October breeze with beautiful, October leaves. He couldn’t wait for the end of the week. It was….”the bomb.”

October was his favorite month. Autumn would officially kick in and colors of the trees would paint mountains and hills with fire. Red, yellow, orange……Who couldn’t ask for a more beautiful color scheme? As the small leaves would fall and delicately hit the ground, he would happily walk home everyday from a long, boring day from school with a smile on his face. That was last year. It’s October again. He really did have an interest in art and colors. Landscapes always caught his eye. “Ohh well the colors will take your mind off things if you really like them.”

Sometimes, the beautiful, amazing colors just aren’t enough for a boy like him. They’ll eventually fade away.And just like the leaves….they will fall and stay on the ground. And never come back. This is October to him, now. This is October. His own mind was struck with awe and amazement when he realized how time had passed by so quickly. Before he had to go through so much in this month, he’ll try his best to leave behind a little spot in his heart that would always look past those flaws. Then, there wouldn’t be a request to turn back time and rectify his wrongs. So this wouldn’t be a month of reluctance to accept she’s gone. She convinced him that, he is a wrong person. And will do wrong again. She’s seen him fall and have people make him fall. Where was she to help him? And the other times where he beat himself up? He needed someone, and he was left alone. He was always there even when she knew she couldn’t keep in touch with friends. He was always there to make her smile. She did nothing for him. He didn’t mind it at all. But, feeling like crap and unappreciated is something that he did mind. He realized she’s not happy see him and doesn’t make him smile once anymore. Then he asked himself again, “Is it really worth it?”

No more hoping that weekends would be the “bomb.” No more expectancy of your presence when he’s falling. No more expactations.  Hopefully, this month goes by fast. Giving up was actualy starting to become and easy option. Season change, and so do people.

“Cuz I don’t want us happening again..” She mentioned. Nowadays, she was spoiled by the things she told him.

He chuckled a little bit and replied with a simple, “Okay.” Who would’ve known that little phrase could take action today? What he just heard was the beginning of the rising crisis to come. He always thought falling for her was the climax. He was wrong…again. The painful words that came out of her mouth that late night foreshadowed the horrendous future events.

He always thought of the things he could’ve accomplished in his life. His life was his own canvas. He was the painter and she was the most beautiful detail of his life. He was wrong…again. What he thought was painted in the most beautiful of color schemes, turned into the boring and arid neutral colors and plain straight lines of red. Because red represented fire and blood. Has this painting turned into the ugliest thing his layed his eyes on? No. He turned around and looked straight into the eyes of the person in the mirror. Staring into the person’s eyes, he saw the disarray he had caused for the this one girl. He had put her into a town of destruction and chaos where she’s bound to get hurt again. And there’s one thing he did accomplish. And that was pushing her to find the bridge. The bridge that could take her away so she could run away from all these problems. What did the boy say to himself? “I am just another one of your problems. Why am I still talking to you? Why would you even want me in your life still?”

Once more he looked into the eyes of disarray of the boy in the mirror. The realization his actions that led to her departure and his resultant lack of sleep and appetite put him to tears again. He asked himself again, “Is it really worth it?”

He stared into those eyes one last time. The painter was the ugliest thing he layed his eyes on. 

His summer was just a naive expression of love.

“Summer…It’s not over yet….” he told himself. Here he goes again with another mistake. There wasn’t even a small voice in his head saying what he loved the most could happen again. Not even the smallest of whispers of the warm, summer breeze embracing him in this miserable state. Instead, he stared into the evil eyes of reality as it gave a good smack in the face. She was the get away from it all. Apparently, Mr. Reality had friends. If there’s someone new that the boy met over the summer…..it was self-guilt. Just the introduction of this meeting put him to tears. Self-guilt itself was the sharpest weapon in his heart’s armory. It hurt and stung.

Was this summer? The summer of fun and happiness and love that he wanted and hoped for? He slowly walked into the water and caught one last glimpse of the beauty she had inside of her. It was the sunset he caught sight of. All that he fought for just dissolved into the salty, eye-tearing crashes of the ocean’s waves. That’s just how it all….faded away. As for self-guilt? Well, let’s say self-guilt took advantage of the boy and put that sharp weapon to some good use.

Then the same question came up again…”Is it really worth it?” He sank into the ocean of grace. As the displeasing taste of salty water filled his mouth, he felt someone big embrace him. It made him feel warm and…loved again. When the boy sank deeper and deeper, he heard a familiar voice:

“I won’t love you any less…”

The Road of desire.

And there I saw it. The boldness of your beauty. I’d walk walk a thousand miles and climb a mountain for you. Just to get to you. Every mountain is tough. We all go through it. Walking is simple. But, a thousand miles? That takes much needed patience. I’m almost done with this. This road of desire? I can’t bare to see how high you are. You’re at the peak. I keep reaching and falling. Leaving myself in the bitter cold and thin air on the hightops of the mountain. “Catch your breath..” I tell myself. Should I need a break? I’m not catching my breath ‘till I get there. To that goal. I’m just too close. I’ve suffered through blood and tears for on this mountain for you. I’ve been patient enough to walk this far. But, to end like this…it’s miserable. 5 times I’ve cried in all. The words I hear are nothing but this booby trapped wall. It breaks my heart to look back, walk down this mountain, and see how I close I got to you.

I guess this time, it’s me suffering huh? Oh, your fancy ways of revenge. Oh, you fancy huh? Stupidity is what I can round up this whole thing. And it’s when I start to question myself…Is it really worth it?

Endurance and Pain.

How long can he go on with this? Everytime he came back empty handed everyday, it was like another slash of pain. Sadness came up to him. Reality hit him. Hard. It hurt a lot. But, he kept going. Another time empty handed is another little slash. He kept going and going. Was all this pain worth it just for her? For someone so beautiful….yes. As he walked more on this road of desire, he realized his steps were backwards. There was no progress done. He thought he walked in a straight line to that goal. But….no. Instead he found pain. He just walked and left an endless line of blood from the events that he endured.

He looked at himself, took both of his hands and rubbed his face. “I’ve done too much to get nowhere. It’s only gotten worse for me. But…is it really worth it?”